Star Trek Meets Lord of the Rings
by Anoriel
Summary: Chapter 4 is up! Things get messy as Sauron tries to negotiate. Please R/R!
1. Chapter 1: The Trouble Begins

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Star Trek Meets Lord of the Rings

Chapter 1

Captain Picard is fuming. Argh! He hates theFederation for making him go on this stupid mission. He had heard a lot of funny things about this place called Middle Earth, from captains before him who have gone there and come back baffled.

But anyway, he has to go to the planet of Middle Earth. Crucial mission. Darn. Picard hates crucial missions. Because it's usually on the crucial missions that Data runs out of memory. And Jordie's glasses break down. And Enterprise crashes into the landing pad and the crew has to spend weeks trying to repair it. Enterprise, not the landing pad.

So Picard just got this message from the Federation. He's got to go make an exploratory mission on Middle Earth – satellites have been picking up some evil cackling (something about a "ring," but with the Federation's poor technology it was probably just static). The Federation wants to know exactly what is going on over there. Only trouble is, Middle Earth is in Clingon territory. Gulp. It really _is_ a crucial mission.

Suddenly Worf comes up (no I don't care how you spell his name) and says "Commander. Just tell me again _why_ in the _name of God_ we are going on this mission."

"Oh, just wondering, are we. Listen, chap, just go ask the Federation. I could care less about Middle Earth," retorts Picard.

Worf emits a long and fake sigh and turns around. Picard doesn't notice but Worf is smirking behind his back. Ha ha, he loves it when the Captain gets stressed out. You can always tell.

Middle Earth is now in sight. "Jordie," says Picard, "take 'er down."

"Yes sir," says Jordie, always obedient. The ship veers toward the planet. "We're going in, sir," says Jordie.

Blaring trumpets start to play.

Cut to theme song.

"…to boldly go where no man has gone before!!!" 

Da, da da da, da da da… Da da da da, da, da, da da da da…

…Anyway, back to the show. For those of you just joining us, Jordie is steering the Enterprise toward Middle Earth.

"Captain!" says Data. "We are experiencing a malfunction."

Oh no. Picard slaps his forehead. Not again. Red lights start to flash in the halls and the lights on the main deck start flickering. Oh great.

"Jordie," says Picard. "Let me see the main screen." Picard walks over to where Jordie is sitting.

"Here sir," says Jordie, pointing to the screen.

Picard's stomach drops. Argh! Trust a blind guy to mistake the fuel level! "You fool!" he cries. "Let me steer!"

"What?" exclaims Jordie, flabbergasted. Picard rolls his eyes and takes over the controls. He could tell the ship was going to crash. Jordie's glasses had already malfunctioned. Oh no. Now Data was going to malfunction too.

True to form, Data goes all stiff in his chair and starts singing that stupid Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da song _in a woman's voice_.

Great. Just great.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard has no time to think about Data, though – he has to get the ship landed – well, crashed, anyway. He winces. Here goes, he thinks.

"Crew!" he yells. "Brace yourselves!"

"I can't see! I can't see!" screams Jordie. He runs around screaming as though he had been shot with a laser gun.

"Shut up you idiot!" barks Picard. "Can't you see I'm trying to land this @$%# ship?!"

"No! I can't see!" shrieks Jordie. "ARGH!"

Picard tries to ignore Jordie as he steers the malfunctioning ship to Middle Earth. It's hard to do, even without the screaming fool in the background.

Suddenly Enterprise takes a nosedive. Oh great. Just what he needed. A head-on crash.

"Crew!" Picard barks again. "Fasten your seatbelts!"

"I CAN'T FIND MY SEAT BELT!" screams Jordie.

"THEN SHUT YOUR STUPID TRAP!" cries Picard.

"Well fine." Jordie starts muttering to himself.

Ah. At last. A moment of peace. Except for the fact that the Enterprise is going to crash in ten seconds, things are going pretty well on board. Oh, yeah, Data's system is crashing as well. So maybe things aren't so great on board. Darn.

The Enterprise starts to shake uncontrollably. "B-b-brace – y-your – s-s-selves, c-c-c-c-crew! W-w-we – a-a-are – g-g-going – t-t-t' c-crash!" rumbles Picard.

BOOM. They crash. Did that really need any explaining? No. I didn't think so.

By the way, everyone on board is knocked out by the impact of the crash. Duh. Just like in every other typical Star Trek episode.


	2. Chapter 2: The Incredibly Nasty Smell

Star Trek Meets Lord of the Rings  
Chapter 2  
  
Frodo and Sam are just sitting down to wine and cheese with Faramir and Co. when this awful   
crashing noise shakes the cave.  
  
"I thought you said we were safe here!" screams Frodo. "You traitor! You only want the ring for   
yourself!"  
  
"Of course I do! Uh, I mean, I said no such thing! As a matter of fact, you are totally unsafe   
here! So unsafe that I can smell the breath of Sauron right now!" Faramir screams back. They   
start arguing rather loudly.  
  
"Uh, you guys," Sam breaks in, "Don't kill each other, OK? That wasn't the hordes of Mordor   
crashing on our roof."  
  
"OK smart guy," says Frodo, "What was it then?"  
  
"Uh - uh, uh, and also, that wasn't the breath of Sauron," says Sam.  
  
"OK smart guy," says Faramir, "What was it then?"  
  
"If I am not mistaken, that was the starship Enterprise crashing right next to us, spewing burning   
jet fuel all over the place. So I suggest we get out of here RIGHT NOW," Sam says.  
  
"Oh. OK then," Frodo and Faramir say in unison, and everybody makes a mad rush outside,   
including Smeagol, who miraculously escaped from the pool where he was hiding. Sam manages   
to throw a rope around his neck as he comes out.  
* * *  
  
Captain Picard is awake. He opens his eyes, and then closes them immediately. This was worse   
than he'd thought it would be.  
  
He feebly opens his eyes again and slowly rises to his feet. A nauseating smell hits him like a   
cannon ball, causing him to reel backwards in the other direction. Jet fuel, he realizes, coming to   
his senses. Burning jet fuel. How long had it been since starships used jet fuel?  
  
Picard blacks out again.  
* * *  
  
Captain Picard is awake. He opens his eyes, and then closes them immediately. This was worse   
than he'd thought it would be.  
  
He feebly opens his eyes again and slowly rises to his feet. A nauseating smell hits him like a   
cannon ball, causing him to reel backwards in the other direction. Jet fuel, he realizes, coming to   
his senses. Burning jet fuel. How long had it been since starships used jet fuel?  
  
Picard blacks out again.  
* * *  
  
Captain Picard is awake. He opens his eyes, and then closes them immediately. This was worse   
than he'd thought it would be.  
  
He feebly opens his eyes again and slowly rises to his feet. A nauseating smell hits him like a   
cannon ball, causing him to reel backwards in the other direction. Jet fuel, he realizes, coming to   
his senses. Burning jet fuel. How long had it been since starships used jet fuel?  
  
Picard blacks out again.  
* * *  
  
Captain Picard is awake. He opens his eyes, and then closes them immediately. This was worse   
than he'd thought it would be.  
  
He feebly opens his eyes again and slowly rises to his feet. A nauseating smell hits him like a   
cannon ball, causing him to reel backwards in the other direction. Jet fuel, he realizes, coming to   
his senses. Burning jet fuel. How long had it been since starships used jet fuel?  
  
Picard blacks out again.  
* * *  
  
Captain Picard is awake. He opens his eyes, and then closes them immediately. This was worse   
than he'd thought it would be.  
  
He feebly opens his eyes again and slowly rises to his feet. A nauseating smell hits him like a   
cannon ball, causing him to reel backwards in the other direction. Jet fuel, he realizes, coming to   
his senses. Burning jet fuel. How long had it been since starships used jet fuel?  
  
Picard stays awake this time. He walks around. And then it hits him like a cannon ball. No, not   
the smell this time, a sudden realization. A sudden, stunning realization. And it did not make   
Captain Jean-Luc Picard at all very comfortable.  
* * *  
  
Sorry about the cliffhanger. Please review! Ch. 3 coming soon! 


	3. Chapter 3: Some Incredibly Nasty Cannon ...

Star Trek Meets Lord of the Rings  
Chapter Three  
  
Captain Picard is standing outside the ruins of his once proud starship. It is too much. He's   
down on his knees now, weeping his head off, lamenting his lost and beloved –   
  
Well, actually, it's not quite that bad.  
  
The Enterprise is practically functional. It's the crew that just isn't there.  
  
Ah! If only he had Data at a time like this! Data wouldn't break down on him at a time like this!  
  
Oh, yeah.  
  
Captain Picard is furious once again. @#$% the stupid Federation! His entire crew was lost!  
  
Then it hits him like a cannon ball.  
  
His crew could still be alive! The ship has not disintegrated! The crew is just nowhere to be   
found. There are no bodies, nothing. In all likelihood –   
  
They have been captured. But by whom?  
  
Captain Picard is deep in thought. So deep in thought that he doesn't notice the hordes of people   
running over the hill. He doesn't notice anything.  
  
And then it hits him like a cannon ball.  
  
Picard doubles over. "So sorry," exclaims Frodo. "I didn't mean to run into you. Oh, look, you   
made me drop my ring. That is the Ring of Power that I am supposed to destroy. [Here Frodo   
goes on to reveal loads of information about his quest, which is supposed to be strictly   
confidential.] Hey! Who are you, anyway?"  
  
"I – I, think you knocked the… HH – windoutamie," Picard says laboriously.  
  
"Oh, hi Mr. Windoutamie, I am Frodo Baggins from the Shire!" Frodo says brightly. "Come on   
and I will take you to Faramir. Oh no. See what your stupid starship did? Now they are all   
running around and screaming. Nice going, Mr. Windoutamie. Just a second, I will get things   
straightened out." And with that, he runs off to try and round everybody up.  
  
***  
  
Several hours later, when the jet fuel (how did that get here?) is all un-combusted and everyone   
is safely in the caves, Frodo gets everybody together in one of the main rooms. "Faramir, I   
would like you to meet my new friend, Mr. Windoutamie," Frodo says.  
  
"M-my name… is *cough* Picard," Picard wheezes.  
  
"OK, Mr. Windoutamie," says Faramir splendidly, "Welcome to Minas – welcome to – Minas –   
Min – oh @#$%, I never get the stupid name right. Welcome to Minas Cave. Where are you   
from?"  
  
"I am the captain on the starship Enterprise. I have come to Middle Earth in the name of the   
Federation, to inspect the strange laughing noises the satellites are picking up. My crew was los   
– "  
  
"Laughing noises?" says Faramir.  
  
"As I was saying, my crew was lost in a strange crash. No bodies. They vanished without a   
trace. I have no idea where they are. Without them I cannot repair my ship, and am thus   
doomed to stay on Middle Earth forever! Wah – hah – hah!" Picard starts weeping inconsolably.  
  
"Well that is such a shame," Faramir simpers. "Now what about these laughing noises you have   
been hearing?"  
  
"Here. Hear them yourself," Picard responds after suddenly getting a grip. He hands an old   
fashioned radio receiver over to Faramir, after turning the volume up a bit.  
  
"What is that thing?" Sam starts to say, but Frodo hushes him.  
  
What they heard next gives them all sudden, sharp pains in their gut, as if they have all just been   
hit by cannon balls. 


	4. Chapter 4: The Incredibly Nasty Villain

Star Trek Meets Lord of the Rings  
Chapter 4  
  
The group at Minas Cave is staring intently at the radio receiver. Between random periods of   
static they can pick up some evil cackling, and between random bouts of evil cackling they can   
pick up a wicked-sounding voice.  
  
Static…. "HAHAHAHA – now they will have to give me the Ring – HAHA – " static…. "Now   
that I have hostages, they will never stand a chance! HAHAHA! Those puny mortals, they are   
so sentimental, now I will - " static…  
  
You get the idea.  
  
In the last chapter, it was said that the noise from this thing would hit them all like cannon balls.   
Well, it does, but in different ways.  
  
For Faramir and Co, it means that Sauron is well enough to be talking, which in itself is not a   
good thing for the folks at Minas Tirith and all the other Minas-cities.  
  
For Frodo, it means he's probably going to have a really hard time disposing of the Ring.  
  
For Sam, of course, it means his job as bodyguard is going to become extremely trying.  
  
For Gollum, it probably means that while everybody is so stressed out, he is not going to get his   
ration of raw fish.  
  
And for Picard, alias Mr. Windoutamie, it means that he knows where his crew is, and he is   
dangerously angry.  
  
"Give me that thing!" he screams, and without waiting for anyone to do so, he snatches it from   
the rock Faramir put it on and hooks up a transmitter, which was conveniently residing in his   
pocket.  
  
"You fiend!" he yells hoarsely into the transmitter. "Give me back my crew!"  
  
The receiver crackles sharply, and then barks out, "Who is this? Ah, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I   
might have known. Put me on the projector."  
  
Picard sighs and pulls out a hologram projector. He mutters something indistinguishable.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know it's from Star Wars!" Anoriel shouts irritably.  
  
"And this is Star Trek! How exactly does the hologram projector figure in Star Trek?!" Picard   
shouts into the ceiling.  
  
"It figures because I say so! You don't want it, you can write this story!" Anoriel shouts back   
down.  
  
"Oh, fine," Picard mumbles, and presses the ON button on the projector. A blue image slowly   
flickers into being.  
  
The room draws a collective gasp. "Ooh, a palantir," Faramir says hungrily.  
  
"Uh, yeah, sort of," Picard responds. Then the figure of Sauron materializes in the haze of blue.  
  
"Hello, chaps," says Sauron amiably. "Are you ready to negotiate?"  
  
"Just give me my crew back, you barbarian."  
  
"We'll get to that later," Sauron says more seriously, "first we deal with this Ring of mine."   
Then he emits a long evil cacophony of laughter. "MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!"  
  
Frodo is cowering in the corner.  
  
So is Gollum.  
  
"Master will protect Smeagol, yes?" Gollum whimpers to Frodo.  
  
Frodo whimpers unintelligibly back.  
  
"Here are my terms," Sauron continues after wiping away his tears of laughter. "I get the Ring,   
and Picard, you get your crew back, and have to obey me for the rest of your career; and as for   
you," here he gestures to the remainder of the assembly, "all of you can become my loyal, evil   
subjects and have your life spared by me. Is it a deal?"  
  
"NO!" cries Picard.  
  
"Hey, I thought it sounded good," complains Faramir.  
  
"Who cares about you," says Picard. "I don't want to have to obey him for the rest of my career!   
It would be – um – demeaning!"  
  
"Oh, fine," grumbles Faramir.  
  
"So you have chosen death," Sauron says, in a voice quite reminiscent of Saruman. "Oh, well,   
too bad for you," he says brightly, and flickers off the hologram projector.  
  
"Can I put this away now?" Picard gripes to the ceiling.  
  
"Yeah, whatever. Just shut up and do your job," replies Anoriel.  
  
Picard puts away the projector. "I guess that settles it," he says. "Any questions?"  
  
"Yeah, Mr. Windoutamie," says Sam, "why did he call you Captain Jean-Luc Picard?"  
  
"Because that is my name," says Picard impatiently.  
  
"OK, Mr. Windoutamie."  
  
"Any more questions?" sighs Picard.  
  
Nobody says anything.  
  
"Alright then, now to plans," says Picard, considerably more cheerfully.  
  
***  
  
OK, next chapter: the plans! Well, duh.  
  
Until then, please keep reviewing!  
  
~ Anoriel 


End file.
